Thoughts on Suicide

I don't know why I am thinking about this dark and heavy topic today. Actually, I think it's a topic I think about most days. It just is on my mind so often that I don't particularly notice that I am thinking about it.

This topic is important to me for very personal reasons, I lost my brother to suicide. That is why I think I am always subconsciously thinking on suicide. But today I am actually conscious of my thoughts about it. I a currently thinking about how we view suicide.

We tend to call suicide "selfish". Whether or not you are saying this to shame the suicidal, or because you feel hurt by the thought of a loved one "leaving you". I think that this is the wrong way to view things and is ultimately harmful to those who are suicidal. Some one else's life is not your own and it isn't up to you to decide how they should deal with their pain. Now, I am not at all encouraging suicide. I am simply pointing out the fact that other people's lives are not our own. In fact, I think it is more selfish of us to guilt the suicidal into not leaving *us* than it is for them to contemplate what will best ease their suffering. I think that the suicidal do need help and many do try to seek alternatives and help before deciding to end their lives. But instead of making their issues about us, we need to refocus it on them and their pain. Making them feel like their lives are not their own and instead are dependent on others may ultimately end up being too overwhelming. I am sure that many suicidal folk do not want to hurt those they leave behind, but during certain frames of mind, the pressures of considering others beside ourselves can also put us over the edge.

Another aspect of suicide prevention that I find doesn't quite make sense is the idea that "it gets better". For some, it truly doesn't. Saying this is completely invalidating to those who are currently suffering. Even if it were to get better, it doesn't quite help the current feeling of pain that they are experiencing. And again, there are those for whom it doesn't get better. Those who are beyond medicinal help. For those who can't afford therapy to get over trauma. For those who are suffering incurable ailments. For those who's financial situations are impossible to get out of, or are getting increasingly worse. There are some situations, pains, and sufferings that simply do not get better. So instead of perpetuating a possible lie and an incredible invalidation such as "it gets better", I think it is best to focus on the pain. How one is supposed to cope is it *doesn't* get better.

We tend to focus to much on how other people's lives effects us, on how we view their lives and situations from the outside looking in. I think that is completely unfair to those who are suffering. when they are suffering, it is about them. They feel like life is not worth living and instead of trying to convince them that their feelings are wrong, why aren't we listening to why? Why aren't we trying to understand thier perspectives? Instead we focus on shaming them for being selfish. For not being able to handle hardships. So many variants on how we invalidate the suicidal and those who have already committed suicide. even if we think that we are being well-meaning.

My brother is gone and I do not feel as though he abandoned me. I do not feel as though he in any way wanted to intentionally hurt me. I do not feel as though what he did was selfish even though I know how many people were completely destroyed by his passing. Myself being one of those who's mental health to a plunge after his passing. I am affected every day by what he did and yet I do not blame him for it. Being full of suicidal thoughts and a few suicidal attempt and guilty of quite a few suicidal plans, I often feel like life is not worth living. I am still very apathetic about existence. I know the kind of help I would like would help me understand how to best navigate these feelings. Not tell me "It's ok because it will go away". That's not helpful to the current feelings that I am dealing with. Especially since these feelings don't just go away the next day and often follow us for a long time, if not the rest of our lives.